After Your Child Has Been Diagnosed With Special Needs
It’s OK to give yourself space and time to feel what you are feeling. Allow yourself some time to grieve. It’s healthy and necessary to release those painful emotions. Here are some examples of stages parents feel after their child has been diagnosed:
‘Shock’ is probably the most common word parents use to describe how they feel after a diagnosis and even if you were expecting a diagnosis, even hoping for an answer, you may still experience shock.
Intense sadness is also another commonly experienced emotion. People display this in different ways and whether you are silent, cry hysterically or sit somewhere in between, allowing those feelings to roll in is necessary and helpful.
Confusion – A feeling of confusion when trying to make meaning and sense of what you’ve just heard. Questions like “Why did this happen?” “When did this happen?” and “How did we get here?” are all normal questions during this time.
Numb -You may at times feel intermittently numb and disconnected. This is a mild dissociative state and it’s our clever brain helping us to cope with a difficult situation.
Denial -You may also experience denial and at times push aside the diagnosis.
Self-blame – it’s common for parents to scrutinise and investigate events leading to a diagnosis and look for opportunities to take responsibility. This is an attempt to take control and find a ‘why’ in a situation that feels out of control.
Anger -a natural part of grieving but sometimes parents get stuck in anger. In some ways anger works well because there is usually energy with anger and life doesn’t stop, so parents can still get tasks done. However, if this state persists then seek out a counsellor, being angry is no way to live.
Problem-solving - Analysing and assessing the diagnosis as a problem to overcome is another commonly experienced reaction. Parents get to work researching and identifying possible approaches. This can be useful in moderation but exhausting if you aim to fix or cure a permanent diagnosis. Moderation is sometimes a difficult balance to find when you feel your child’s life and future is at stake. Many parents feel that they would gladly make sacrifices to find the right therapies, professionals, and services.
Superstitious thinking is a bit like self-blame and bargaining. We will link something unrelated to the cause of the diagnosis. e.g. as a child, you teased a classmate for being different and feel there’s a link. Eating a certain food during pregnancy, even though you sustained no ill effects at the time etc.
These are some of the reactions I’ve observed as a professional and experienced as a parent of a child with special needs. Everyone is individual and your particular experience and situation will impact your reaction.
You deserve support, love and help during this time. Find a kind counsellor or similar who you feel comfortable speaking with and make regular time to decompress. It will help you to function better and you won’t feel so isolated.
As Kristin Neff so aptly states.
“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.”
― Kristin Neff