The Best Way to Approach Bullying Among Young People
Bullying is a major barrier for young people, not only in terms of their ability to learn but also related to their general wellbeing. Face-to-face bullying often peaks in years 3 and 4 and then declines as kids mature. Online bullying, though not nearly as common, peaks later in life, during years 9 and 10.
Talking to Your Teens About Bullying
“Sociologists have been studying bullying for decades,” author and speaker Brooks Gibbs explains. “They just don’t call it bullying; they’ve always called it dominance behaviors — or people trying to overpower others.” When we understand bullying in this way, it allows us to change the way we talk about it and the way we handle it.
As you’re talking to your teens about bullying, here are three important things to remember:
Bullying is an imbalance of power. If someone is teasing you, they want power over you. The bully wants you to lose so they can win. The more angry you get, the more fun they have. This type of response only serves to encourage their actions.
Respond with resilience instead of anger. Easier said than done, right? Do your best to not get upset. “Then, no matter what the hater says, you won’t care,” Gibbs explains.
This response is not predicated on a high sense of self-esteem. It’s common to think that ignoring hateful words from a bully requires a lot of confidence — a challenge for many teenagers! — but that’s not the case. Instead, let’s look at it logically: It’s important for young people to understand that bullying is nothing but a game focused on winning and losing (#1) and that they’ll be able to defeat the bully by not getting upset (#2). When people lose, they don’t like playing the game. So when a bully loses, they’ll back off and leave their victim alone.
I want to note here that bullying only refers to times when someone is hurting your feelings. In this case, the solution is simple: Don’t give them the agency to drive your emotions. If bullying becomes physical and violent, you should get upset, protect yourself, and reach out for help.
The Logical Solution to Bullying
The logical solution to bullying, then, is teaching your teens to respond with toughness and emotional strength rather than engaging with the bully’s hateful words and behavior. “These are social skills that every human needs to learn because there are mean people all around us,” Gibbs says. When you empower young people to solve their own social dilemmas, they gain three important things: self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth.
Australian psychologist Andrew Fuller takes a similar approach to bullying. He looks to compassion, love, hope, and connectedness as “the four most powerful ingredients of healing.” When they’re all present in the home and developed among families and communities, the direction of young people’s lives changes for the better. By connecting with one another, protecting one another, and respecting one another, we create resilience — which, in turn, allows these four ingredients to prosper.
The Important Role of Bystanders
The overall attitude of schools, as well as proactive training of both children and adults, plays a significant role in the occurrence of bullying among teens. In fact, studies show that the most effective way to stop a bully is by involving bystanders. A bully may try to retaliate against one person who speaks up but is less likely to go after several people. Since nearly everyone will witness bullying at one point or another, it’s important for children and teenagers to understand that their response is essential.
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