Being With and Shark Music: Learn How to Better Respond to Your Child’s Emotional Needs

As a parent, you have good intentions when it comes to caring for your children, but sometimes, something gets in the way. In today’s blog post, I want to explore two important concepts: the art of being with as well as the negative influence of shark music. These ideas are further illustrated in this video from Circle of Security International. 

To start, being with refers to being emotionally available to your children and their needs. 

This idea is key to doing the best you can as a parent. It allows you to teach emotional intelligence to your children by simply being with them and all of their feelings. Being available to them during their emotionally-charged moments allows them to understand, trust, and move on from feelings. Plus, knowing someone else is with them in their feelings helps them to feel safe and loved.

Sometimes, it may be easy for you to sit with your child and their feelings. Other times, though, their emotions might make you uncomfortable. You may react by pulling away or trying to overrule their feelings, leaving them to manage their emotions alone.

It’s natural for your child’s feelings to trigger strong emotions in you. Your childhood experience, including how the primary people in your life responded to your feelings, creates the background music for how you experience your children’s feelings.

Here’s an example: A child and her father enjoyed a day at the beach. When it comes time to leave, the young girl starts crying, becoming angrier and angrier. Suddenly, the father’s background music changes. He begins to think:

Her disobedience is unbearable. She thinks she will get her way if she keeps this behavior up! How can I force her to listen to me? I’m so embarrassed by this child.

Let’s think of this background music as shark music. 

When he was a child, the dad’s mother was uncomfortable with loud displays of emotions. She didn’t know how to properly address them and often told her son that it was pathetic and to stop crying. She never asked him about his feelings of sadness or anger. Thus, his ability to handle his daughter’s emotions now is greatly impacted by his own childhood experience. 

You may not even notice your own shark music, but trust me, it’s there. It’s a past experience telling you to be afraid of or uncomfortable with a feeling that is actually safe. It limits your ability to respond to your child’s feelings. Unintentionally, you teach them to hide or be ashamed of their emotions. As a result, they learn to fear feelings that are essential in life. They begin to believe things like anger is pathetic, fear is weak, sadness is manipulative, and happiness is “too much.”

While shark music is different for everyone, most of you experience it with at least one emotion. When it is triggered, your ability to respond to your child’s needs becomes limited.

The good news is, by identifying the shark music and focusing instead on what your child needs in a specific moment, you can turn down the volume. 

This adjustment enables you to focus on the parenting task in front of you. If you can learn to manage your personal history of negative experiences, you can respond to your child’s current situation and be with them in their feelings. 

Let’s revisit the father and daughter as they leave the beach. Instead of the thoughts shared above, the dad may think something like:

She finds it difficult when I end her fun. We’ll get through this challenge together.

Ultimately, this approach will teach your children how to better understand and share their emotions.

It’s no secret: Strong feelings in your children can be difficult to manage as parents. 

Your kids benefit, though, when you can compassionately respond to what’s happening to them rather than to your own shark music. When your child is angry, help them organize their feelings. When your child is afraid, protect them. When your child is sad, comfort them. When your child is happy, be joyful with them! 

And remember: No parent is perfect. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.

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