Part Two: Parenting Pre-Teens and Teens
Last month, I discussed the pressures and expectations of early parenthood. Now, I want to jump forward and consider the task of parenting pre-teens and teens, which comes with its own set of unique challenges.
Before I begin, I want to remind you that, the more you push your kids, the more defiant and reactive they become. Their behaviour often presents in extremes: They may explode at you or shut down and ignore you. These two responses might be the only ways they know how to communicate with you — which, of course, leads to more conflict.
Tips for Communicating with Pre-Teens and Teens
The best way to improve your relationship with your pre-teens and teens is to focus on your communication. Below, I share four tips for parents to consider.
1. Lead with understanding.
Your teen may think to himself, “My parents don’t understand me at all, so why should I even try to explain myself?” To overcome this challenge, always start with understanding, even when you don’t understand.
You and your teen live in two very different worlds, and it can make all the difference when you acknowledge his experiences and perspective. Avoid saying, “I understand, but…,” as this phrase disqualifies your statement. Instead, put yourself in your teen’s shoes and look at the situation with an open mind.
2. Don’t take your teenager’s behaviour or treatment of you personally.
Easier said than done, right? Try thinking about parenting a teen as a job. This approach takes the heightened emotions out of the situation.
It’s also important to note that your teenager may be mirroring behaviour that she’s seen from you. For instance, when you react emotionally, she may match those strong feelings in her reply, creating a cycle of communication that is difficult to break.
Ultimately, remember that there’s no reason to be mad at your pre-teen or teen for simply being himself. Sure, she may make a poor choice, but don’t blame her for that. Instead, calmly talk with her about the issue and help her develop better problem-solving skills.
3. Don’t say anything until you’re calm.
Note that I said “calmly talk” in the previous tip. Avoid having any serious discussions until you’ve both been able to calm down. Know that you don’t have to respond to your child if he’s upset and yelling in your face. Likewise, he doesn’t have to respond to you when you’re upset. You both have the right to walk away.
Practice positive self-talk and tell your child that you’re not going down that road with him. As I touched on earlier, kids often mirror behaviour that they see in their parents. Hopefully, with time, they will begin to adopt the methods you use to calm down too.
4. You don’t need your teenager’s cooperation or good behaviour.
Do you want your teens to act in a respectful and reasonable way? Of course, but you don’t need that sort of cooperation from them. When you aren’t trying to control or change your child, you can make better choices for yourself. Plus, your child will be less defensive because she won’t be resisting or reacting to you.